I hold my emotions back and try to

I hold my emotions back and try to be still. Putting my best efforts, trying to understand everything and trying my best to slip everything away with not a word to say. Because the moment I begin to tell you one thing, I’ll be telling you everything then I’ll get mad or you’ll do, I knew. We’ll then lose each other and cut this. I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to end this so I hold my emotions back and try to be still.

I don’t know what else to believe. I need to think things over. It could be I am too naïve or maybe a lot gullible. I knew I was being lied to but I still would not want anything to get in the way of my happiness. That slipped out wrong — I should not let anything get in the way of my happiness, not even my selfish desires, that is. Psh. I don’t know who’s fooling who. I can never be with anyone who says one thing and does another. Everything is simply a blueprint of what will happen next, one wrong move and all will be ruined. I was told I am loved – I didn’t  believe this is a true story though. I’ll end up discovering those that were kept hidden and I’ll end up cutting someone off, as time would prove.

..because it is July 31st sweetie.

I hate it so much that I had to let you go. I love you, I do. It’s just that things are not in my control and obviously not in yours either. I know so well that you love me, I feel it. We tried I know but sometimes there are situations and feelings of others we need to consider. I feel guilty for things I know I’m not at fault. It’s hard for me to actually blame myself but I’m still willing to carry all the load just so you would not blame yourself. I prayed for you. I prayed for us. I knew we’ll be something great, I always prayed we’ll be and it’s sad what we had, had to end. But sweetheart, do know that no matter what, I love you. I can’t promise I’ll forever love you but at this very moment this is what I feel. I love you deeply and as long as you’re capable of smiling and being happy I am fine with that. I’ll be fine with just that. Be safe always. I love you.

January 18.

I forgot about this day.

Seven in the morning and an unregistered number gave my phone a ring and because I usually wouldn’t answer a call from someone I barely know, I ignored the phone call. Then a message:

“Boss, please answer the phone.”

So I answered the phone. It’s mi’love and of course I am always excited to hear his deep and low textured voice.

“Pupuntahan kita. Hintayin mo ako. Wag kang aalis. Hihintayin mo ako ha.”

He hung up. What has gotten into him? It’s only seven in the morning and I’m still sleepy. What woke me up into reality was that his voice sounded different. He sounded worried. I took a bath and waited.

Nine. He came. I hugged him soon as he arrived and told him I’m really happy seeing him early in the morning and that I am excited to spend the day with him. He hugged back, tight and then tighter. He kissed me on the forehead, then on the nose, then on the lips..

“Nag alala lang ako. 4th anniversary niyo supposedly. Baka lang kasi naalala mo siya at baka nalulungkot ka pa din at baka bigla mo ako makalimutan kaya pinuntahan agad kita the moment na marealize ko na January18 ngayon.”

I felt ambivalent. Happy because he loved me that much, sad because I made him worry.

“I forgot about this day and everything else that went with it. Sorry nag alala ka. I love you.”

He smiled. We hugged and spent the day together creating new and happier memories that would make me forget everything about Januay 18.

I LOVE YOU.

Happy birthday.

Today is my day and it didn’t start good but I’m hoping it will end well.

Today I need to tell myself “move on” because I have to, and for me to move on I need to decide to be happy.

I have decided. I am decided. I’ll be happy. I know crying would never mean you’re weak but crying won’t do anything good too. So I’ll just smile because today is my day and I will end it well.

To you, sir, thank you for all the memories. I’ll keep the good ones and learn from the mistakes. For all the laughs, for the sacrifices, for the greatest lessons and for just about everything, thank you. Hey, sorry I cast all the blame on you. Sorry I made you feel like everything’s your fault. Sorry for everything I did that hurt you. Those times when I was suffering, I didn’t realize you were suffering as well. Thank you for giving this love another try. Love may be sweeter the second time around, true, unfortunately we’re not meant to last but I’m certain we’re meant to help each other grow and from what I see, we did. Hooray us! Wherever we are and whoever we’re with now, I’m happy and I know you are too. Good luck with life. I have always known you for being someone tough. And for being a real man, for not being ashamed of shedding tears in front of me, hooray you! Hihi. God bless your heart, Abs. I love you. Thanks for this gift — freedom.

Happy birthday, Vina.

The last of it, of June, I meant.

My heart got broken today. It never crossed my mind that what we have would come to an end. Now here we are, you are somewhere far from here and here I am staring at the ceiling and asking myself questions I knew there are no answers to, and if there are, the only person who has all the answers would be you.

I ask myself why are you not here with me, you usually would hug me tight every time I cry and you wouldn’t tell me to stop, I love it most when you tighten your hug to make me feel better because you knew I would never cry like a baby if I’m the one at fault.

I ask myself when did you stop doing the things you did to make me fall. I was so drowned with what we have I didn’t notice the distance between.

I ask myself where did you drop my heart, I remember your left hand was where I last placed it, your right hand you used to swear to hold my heart good. I ask myself what was wrong with what we have. Have I been too tight I choked you to death or have I been too numb I wasn’t able to feel the coldness?

I ask myself  how everything came to an end. How everything you worked hard for you can easily throw away? How everything you said you dreamt of, when it came true you just put to an end?

Maybe the only answer I have is this, “You move on, I will too“. And this is HOW EVERYTHING WILL END.

Oh. Happy day. No.

It’s been weeks. You don’t know how hard it is being left hanging. You don’t know how much pain I am in. You don’t know how hard it is for me to wake up every morning knowing something has been missing. I NEVER again will ask you to come back. I don’t want you to. I just want to make things clear. I want us to talk. I want to hear your reasons. They matter.

Being left without knowing anything makes everything harder. You’re lucky you’re never able to feel this way. I never let you and you know that so well. You’ve done this a couple of times and it really shows you don’t care. I was too gullible to even fall for like a thousand times.

I NEVER AGAIN WOULD WANT TO TAKE YOU BACK. Too many chances are way beyond enough. If you’re linked to other belles I would not care. You cheated? Sure. It hurts me too much and it is not because of those. I’m crying because I know I’m not worthy of this torment. I only want to talk. You always leave me like this and still every time you come back I’d hug you tight, but not this time. I wanted to hear AGAIN your LIES for doing so.

I am sorry I stopped pretending you’re there like you always say and that you care. Because if you do, then I guess things will not be like how they are now.

Now if you’ll tell me this is immaturity I’m showing by posting something like this, then okay. What’s important is I didn’t say anything that would hurt you. I didn’t utter lies that would ruin you. I only want to talk, closure to end this. If you’re telling me you’re matured enough then don’t leave me hanging like this. I’m so tired of you leaving me in the middle of nowhere asking questions to myself why we ended. You always hide behind your lies. Let’s end this. We talk. I stop. You’re free.